1.06.2006
A New Beginning
"When you change your thoughts, you change your choices, you change your life." ~Actor Terrence Howard
Back when I was twenty-seven I started searching. If you had asked me back then what I was searching for I probably couldn't give you a straight-forward answer because even then I didn't know. All I knew were the questions bouncing around in my head, and the dissatisfaction I felt at not being able to answer them. Now some years later having clearly defined my search and since discovering a multitude of answers I still cannot fully connect the dots, for the old questions have birthed new ones, and the new ones are as frustatingly confusing as the old ones. Still, despite the frustrations of the questions I must honestly admit I love the journey. Why? I'll tell you.
Before the questions I employed external locus of control. I was a victim of life and felt threatened by its inability to set me free. I was always lonely, always desperate, always needing. I lived for the validation of others and felt helpless, empty and incomplete if by some chance they didn't or couldn't offer it to me. I was the greatest of pretenders, professing love of self while simulanteously hating every thing I said, did, believed and felt. I didn't or couldn't feel good about myself unless or until someone else felt good about me. I was weak, and shallow and foolish. But above all else, I was normal. Most of my friends, my family, my co-workers all believed and perpetuated the same thoughts I believed and perpetuated. My needing someone to love me in order for me to love me, wasn't strange to them because they too needed that "someone special" to complete them. Like me they were defining themselves through their stuff, through their accomplishments, through their associations. We were our diamonds, the size, the cut, the clarity. We were our clothes, the name, the fit, price. We were any and every thing except ourselves. And our belief that we had no say or control of these things kept us, me stagnant and trapped. But the journey, changed all of that.
Today, some six years since my twenty-seventh birthday, I'm a totally different person. I'm significantly more in control of my life, my beliefs, and my emotions; and as a result, I'm so much more happier and satisfied and useful to myself, to my friends, to my family---to the fucking world! But above all of that, I'm free from all the bullshit that used to cause me so much fucking pain. And while there are times when I question the past and seriously contemplate whether or not I would relive some of those intense moments that caused me so much pain I realize, like Faith, yeah I've felt a lot of pain, and yeah I've seen a lot of things, but if I had to do it all again I would not take away the rain because I know deep in my heart that rain made me who I am. And while today, this moment I am happier than I have ever been in my life I realize the battle, or rather, journey to my authentic self is just beginning. I've only recently stumbled onto the road. And like Michael and Diana, I'm dusting myself off and readying my heart, mind and soul to ease on down that road.
I'm excited about this new year. I'm excited about turning 33. I'm excited about living. I'm excited about giving. I'm excited about learning. I'm excited about sharing. To be quite honest, there's very little I'm not excited about; I don't know about you but, in my book that's a very good thing.
|
Back when I was twenty-seven I started searching. If you had asked me back then what I was searching for I probably couldn't give you a straight-forward answer because even then I didn't know. All I knew were the questions bouncing around in my head, and the dissatisfaction I felt at not being able to answer them. Now some years later having clearly defined my search and since discovering a multitude of answers I still cannot fully connect the dots, for the old questions have birthed new ones, and the new ones are as frustatingly confusing as the old ones. Still, despite the frustrations of the questions I must honestly admit I love the journey. Why? I'll tell you.Before the questions I employed external locus of control. I was a victim of life and felt threatened by its inability to set me free. I was always lonely, always desperate, always needing. I lived for the validation of others and felt helpless, empty and incomplete if by some chance they didn't or couldn't offer it to me. I was the greatest of pretenders, professing love of self while simulanteously hating every thing I said, did, believed and felt. I didn't or couldn't feel good about myself unless or until someone else felt good about me. I was weak, and shallow and foolish. But above all else, I was normal. Most of my friends, my family, my co-workers all believed and perpetuated the same thoughts I believed and perpetuated. My needing someone to love me in order for me to love me, wasn't strange to them because they too needed that "someone special" to complete them. Like me they were defining themselves through their stuff, through their accomplishments, through their associations. We were our diamonds, the size, the cut, the clarity. We were our clothes, the name, the fit, price. We were any and every thing except ourselves. And our belief that we had no say or control of these things kept us, me stagnant and trapped. But the journey, changed all of that.
Today, some six years since my twenty-seventh birthday, I'm a totally different person. I'm significantly more in control of my life, my beliefs, and my emotions; and as a result, I'm so much more happier and satisfied and useful to myself, to my friends, to my family---to the fucking world! But above all of that, I'm free from all the bullshit that used to cause me so much fucking pain. And while there are times when I question the past and seriously contemplate whether or not I would relive some of those intense moments that caused me so much pain I realize, like Faith, yeah I've felt a lot of pain, and yeah I've seen a lot of things, but if I had to do it all again I would not take away the rain because I know deep in my heart that rain made me who I am. And while today, this moment I am happier than I have ever been in my life I realize the battle, or rather, journey to my authentic self is just beginning. I've only recently stumbled onto the road. And like Michael and Diana, I'm dusting myself off and readying my heart, mind and soul to ease on down that road.
I'm excited about this new year. I'm excited about turning 33. I'm excited about living. I'm excited about giving. I'm excited about learning. I'm excited about sharing. To be quite honest, there's very little I'm not excited about; I don't know about you but, in my book that's a very good thing.
